Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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