I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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