Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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