Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
