My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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