i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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