Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
