Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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