Need sex. Gaining weight.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
