Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
