ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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