The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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