in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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