What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
