After last night, I could never be a politician.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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