***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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