: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
