He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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