Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
