I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my sisters under your porch take her home
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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