I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
