Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
