Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
