I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
