Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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