If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I party with great urgency now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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