3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Are my feet made of real feet?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
