Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
