Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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