I wish my penis had an off switch
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
