what day is it and did you see me today?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
