if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
