My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
