I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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