You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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