I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
