Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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