He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my poor anus
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
