it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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