He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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