fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
