i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
