I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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