she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
