Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
