A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
