Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
my liver is dry heaving
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
