i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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