i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
