Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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