I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
