i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
