I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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