Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and she was petting her beer can
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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