No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize