yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
