I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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