i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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